who am i?

Today I went to the gym.  No, this is not news to many because I go to the gym often and I post about it often.  But today while I was at the gym, I got to shut off and clear my mind.  I allowed it to wander.  I allowed it to think about things that have been eating away at me.  I also allowed myself to just be me, and be proud.

You see, I have really been struggling with who I am.  The more I think about it, the more I realize I've struggled with the idea most of my life.  I believe it is because I like to try new things.  I also believe it is because I have many moments where I am unsure of myself.  You know, those moments when you care way too effing much what people think of you?  I actually had a moment the other day with Jasper where I found myself going on and on about this and that and then I stopped, looked at him, and yelled "WHY DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?!?!?!?!" He laughed, and shook his head at me like he does, and we both carried on.  But it is definitely true, I tend to make decisions based on what I think other people want me to do rather than what I really want to do.  There is only one time in my life where I made a HUGE decision based on following my own heart and that was choosing to marry Jasper and move across the country.  Well guess what?  I don't regret it one single bit! (Maybe that's a hint to follow my gut more often).

So recently, and many times on my fitness journey, I have tried to start a specific program.  You know, do this day one, this day two... blah blah blah... but I never finish.  Well today I realized exactly why.  It's boring. Yesterday, I did the Crossfit Open workout 16.3 and was extremely happy with my score.  Today I found my one rep max on push press which was 130 freakin' pounds, and then I took my ass outside to the track and ran stairs and sprints, at one point running as fast as 12.9 mph!  Tomorrow, I plan on running 3.5 miles to the field and then having kickball practice.  What I realized today is that I love Crossfit, I love running, I love strongWOman stuff, I love powerlifting, I love Spartan Races and I don't feel like I have to be or do just one of those things.  If I were to limit myself, I would only be unhappy and honestly, I'd probably stop exercising.  

The more I started thinking, the more it started spiraling into an outrageous "I am Jenna, hear me roar" moment.  I thought about all the times people told me they were surprised at what I could do because of the way I looked. I don't have a six pack. I don't have a smooth stomach.  In fact, I have crazy stretch marks that look like I've probably had three children when I've had none. While I was sprinting today, my stomach was probably jiggling in the wind with every pounding step.  I have skinny calves and ankles, and wide hips and a big butt.  My shoulders are super broad, lately to the point where most of my shirts don't fit right anymore.  But I am strong as hell.  I set goals for myself, and push myself to meet them.  I encourage other people, and I am genuinely excited when they are able to push themselves and meet their goals.  I eat pizza once a week.  I drink beer with my husband.  I meal prep.  I am well aware that what you eat is directly reflected in your athletic performance and your mood.  I live a balanced life.  I may not "look like" someone that can do all the things that I can do, but I am a lot healthier than people that do look the part.

So who am I?  I am Jenna Marie Rankin. And that's all I ever want to be.