warning: tears have been shed.

so as of late, i've been going through some serious ish in my life. honestly? i think people can tell. i put on a front and try to hide it and act like nothing's wrong. but deep down, there's a LOT wrong. :/

what's going on? i lost myself. i lost that awesome jenna that was found here. my one year VBL anniversary is coming up, so what did i do? i read the post i wrote when it was my 6 month anniversary and it made me cry. i'm actually a little LOT disappointed in myself. i might still go to the gym, but i let myself go. i haven't been eating as clean as i should. ive been drinking on weekends. i do things that six months ago would seem COMPLETELY out of character. but why? why did i let myself go? why did i choose to not be strict and give in? sometimes i was the instigator. wait, a LOT of times i was the instigator. how can someone that wants to change other peoples' lives act this way?? it's taken a toll on my relationships with people around me too. the most important person in my whole lifestyle transformation is now disappointed in me. do you know how bad that hurts? i mean, it could be a lot worse. i could be an alcoholic, drug addict, food addict, who knows. i could have gained back all the weight i lost. i didnt. i'm 5lbs up from that 6 month anniversary. that's not too bad, but it's completely unacceptable to me.


so the next step? getting myself out of this. what is the plan? well, i'm saying no. i'm saying no to eating out. i'm saying no to drinking. i'm saying no to being out all night and getting no sleep. why? because that way, i run fast. i went running super late last night. 10pm to be exact. i had 6 miles to run. the first three miles i ran were a complete struggle. i couldn't get my breathing rhythm down, my head wasn't in it. then all of a sudden, i felt like that 6-months-ago jenna. i didn't even realize i was running. i was just having fun. and for a second, i smiled to myself and thought "this makes me the great person that i know i can be". after my run, i had the best runner's high. i felt so good. i told myself i'd eat clean today to reward myself for that awesome run. and i did. i ate super clean.

what else do i need to do? i need to surround myself with people that are also working toward these types of goals. whether it's a simple "hey how are things" facebook message, text or e-mail, or even a phone call, maybe a workout or two or a nice run together. i miss my family. the family of people that i met in VBL and that i've met in my life that are working toward the same goals as me and living life like i wish to live, healthy, happy and wholesome.

sooo yeah. if you've noticed some changes in my being, that is what has been going on. cheers to the best fall season of my life though, run jenna, run!