how panda express changed my life. [part 1].

so i was in the car with my brother this morning and we drove past a panda express. i laughed and said to him, "oh panda express, you changed my life". he started laughing and said, you SO need to post that. it obviously made people question, so here goes the story.

i've struggled with my weight my entire life. i've always been the fat friend, always tried to act like it didn't bother me or that i was perfectly fine with the way i felt and looked. and honestly, sometimes i accepted it and thought i was much smaller than the 200+lbs that i weighed. until i got engaged. i found myself not excited for the wedding sometimes and it was because i didn't want my pictures, my forever wedding pictures, to be of me, fat. i had dieted SO many times like everyone else, and lost a significant amount of weight twice, just to gain all or most of it back. i didn't have the proper tools or mindset to change my life.

in june of 2010, i decided to begin taking baby steps in my journey to a new life. step one, no more soda. i was drinking AT LEAST one diet soda a day. i told myself, i didn't need to rely on it to keep me awake or satisfied, so i replaced it with those sparkling waters you can buy at the grocery store. one month down, still no soda, i was STOKED. from here, i began going to the gym with my brother more regularly. it was nice to have someone who changed their life along side of me, supporting me no matter how flaky i was at reaching my goals. another thing i avoided was setting a goal. i couldn't not set a goal because i didn't believe i would actually attain it. come july, carlos and i scheduled our engagement pictures. i was excited, but in fear because i knew i would not look as good as all those other beautiful brides because i was fat. it took me weeks to find the perfect outfits that would make me feel comfortable and look semi-slim. HA! we finally got our pictures back in august and i loved them and hated them at the same time. we looked super cute in all of them, the photographer was amazing, but, i was fat. i cried. i cried. i cried.

that's when i decided that unless i was happy with myself, a marriage would never last between me and carlos, let alone ANYONE. you can't be happy with your life until you are happy with yourself, is what i told myself. so i got focused. my brother and i decided to give ourselves our own little weight-loss challenge. he said let's try and lose 6lbs in 3 weeks. not too hard, right?? so we got working out and i started tracking my food on www.sparkpeople.com. the first week i lost 2 i think, the second week i lost 1, the third week... i ate panda express.

now you probably want to know WHY i ate panda express?? because i had NO self-control. i was off work for a month and a half, carlos was working non-stop the busy bee that he is, and so i cooked dinner for him almost every night. well one night, i was lazy. he came home from work and we were both hungry. he was tired and i was lazy and so we sat there going back and forth about what we wanted for dinner. finally, he said, i'm just gonna go get something. so i told him to get me some, too. i then proceeded to eat my entire two-item combo from panda express. i think i ate it because i was upset, and the more mad at myself i got, the more i ate, until it was completely gone and i felt so sick i wanted to throw it all up. truly, i had a problem. i immediately started bawling my eyes out. i texted and facebooked my brother and told him i was crying uncontrollably. he asked why, and i said, "i ate panda express". he was like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" and he knew i knew better, and i know he was sad for me. i had been working so hard, but it was just the tip of the iceberg. he told me i would be fine, and that i could get back on track tomorrow, but it wasn't helping the awful disappointment i felt within myself. after a few minutes of going back and forth, he said "fool, you should do this" and sent me a link. www.valleysbiggestloser.com. i went to the website, read about it, read the fine print, and decided i "might" do it. i even posted the link on my fb and said "i'm THINKING about doing this" and got TONS of encouragement. the next day, i made my decision, to sign up for VBL. i knew it would be something WAY out of my comfort zone, the thing that takes you beyond what you're used to, that scares you to death, makes you completely vulnerable, but will spark a fire inside of you and change your life forever. i knew exactly what i was getting myself into, but at the same time, i didn't.