and such is life.

Lately I've really been thinking about blogging again.  I miss it.  I don't know if people care what I have to say or anything, but it's more for a release.  A release and maybe to touch those who are feeling the same way as I am in a given moment, and don't have anyone to share those feelings with.  A way of getting my feelings out.  A way of releasing my fears, my excitement, my happiness, my sadness, my remorse, my guilt, my joy.  A way of trying to make sense of this confusing life I lead.  Or at least a way of expressing to everyone what goes on in my head each day.

I'm sure most of you reading this know my back story.  Well, most of it.  I moved out to Virginia last November to be with my husband after speeding up our marriage when the "plan" we had changed very quickly (thanks Marine Corps! :D).  Stamped and labeled "military wife" but who cares right?  I never really thought being a military spouse was any different than being a spouse.  Which it isn't, but it is.  ha!  I didn't choose this life for people to feel sorry for me because my husband is gone a lot.  (Which he really hasn't been).  I mean, I have been blessed with being able to spend many months with him.  His week in the field consisted of him texting and calling me before bed every night.  So no, my husband hasn't been gone.  He is at school in a different state right now.  I've gotten to spend two full weekends with him and talk to him all day every day.  In the 14 months we've been together, I have gotten to talk to him every single day.  To me, that's better than some long distance relationships. Today, however, marks day 1 of 10 that I won't be able to talk to him.  Am I worried? No. I'm very independent.  Always have been.  I have a job, and a dog, and can hold my own.  Does it suck not being around my family and friends when he's gone?  Hell yes.  But I know I can hold down the fort!

Ironically, as I am typing this it is 1:30 in the afternoon and I am not at work because my refrigerator and freezer are broken.  Oh, you know, a fridge full of freshly prepped meals, and brand new groceries I bought yesterday.  I've called maintenance three times now and they said they're trying to get me a new fridge.  Hopefully they'll be here in the next hour or two?  Of course it's when I can't cry to my husband and make him feel bad for not being here. HA! Right? That's the other problem with being able to talk to him when he's not here.  I complain constantly about my daily woes and it just makes him feel bad because he isn't here to help or make it better.  Then I feel guilty.  It's a fine line when he's your best friend.  You want someone to talk to, but you don't want to make him worry because he's doing a very important job and the last thing in the world you want is for him to be worrying about you.  And what would he be able to do about the fridge if he were here?  Probably the same thing I'm doing.  Sit here and wait.

There are days when I want to scream out loud "I MISS MY HUSBAND!!" but then I feel selfish.  It's odd because I don't feel so bad saying how much I miss my family to the world.  It's like it's easier to admit I miss my family, because I won't be judged.  But the moment I feel like complaining about my husband being gone, I feel like people will totally judge me. "Well, this is the life you chose" or "I don't know what that's like, my husband's always around"... anything along those lines.  

I recently met another military spouse who felt EXACTLY the same way as I do.  It was sadly refreshing that we both admitted to just bursting into tears at random times because we've never felt so lonely in our entire lives.  You try and make the best of it, you have good days, you have bad days, you try and get involved, get a job (or two), volunteer, go to the gym, go running, but all you really want to do is go to Walmart with your husband on a weekend, hold his hand, laugh at each other, plan out your future home together, and enjoy each other's company. 

If anything, I've truly learned that life is what you make it, but it also is who you spend it with.  I feel like God has blessed me with a man that is my perfect match.  There is no doubt in my head that I should not be married to Jasper or have accepted this adventurous life with him.  It has made me open my eyes to the world and what is out there. It has allowed me to see that life isn't so much just going to work every day and making a paycheck, but more so a series of interactions and events with people and things that allow you to make choices.  The choices you make are what put you where you are in life.  I now notice I smile more at people.  I say hi to strangers.  I ask questions, I am curious and I like to meet new people.  So even though I have days when I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, I am here because of my choices and I am very proud of the ones I have made thus far.

UPDATE: I got a new fridge.  It opens the opposite way, which is nice because now it won't slam into the laundry room door/wall.  See? Jasper will be so excited when he finds out! ;)